Sunday, December 26, 2010

Calling myself out.

I never considered myself an angry person. I don't hit my wife, or anyone else. I don't beat my dog. I really can't think of anyone off the top of my head that I feel has woefully, personally wronged me. I don't blame others when I have money issues. I don't blame others when I have health issues. I really don't have "an axe to grind", as someone recently put it.

If I were to assign one main emotional attribute to myself, it wouldn't be angry. It would be depressed.

Then there is this incredible curse of foresight that I have. It's not even what I would call foresight, because many times, I still don't see things coming. It's more that I only actually comprehend the worst possible outcome for a given situation. And I OBSESS over it.

Case in point, that last paragraph. Instantly, upon writing it, the thought went through my head that, "I bet most people won't actually understand that. They'll just read into it whatever it is they think it means, and totally get it wrong." This has evolved into a blanket feeling that most people have no idea what's going on around them. Which has led to an assumption that pretty much everyone that I didn't respect before this started happening was a complete idiot as soon as they did anything that I didn't immediately agree with.

After all, how else can you see people when you think that no one understands, and everyone will eventually do the worst thing possible? It's kind of logical, in a deeply disturbed way.

Between those two character traits (flaws?), I've become someone that I really don't care for. I've become someone that doesn't really understand the concept of "different". I thought I did. I think "People are stupid for being racist, because they're just different," and "People are stupid for hating those of other religions, they're just different."

But I've realized that I'm doing the exact same thing. Which means I've been stupid. Very stupid. And I've wasted a lot of time obsessing over how stupid other people are, or were being.

I've said things that were better left unsaid, because I thought that they needed to hear them. And I've said them at completely the wrong times. And I've taken gratification in them being upset about what I've said because, hey, must've struck a cord, right? That means I'm "helping". Yeah, right.

Another thing that I've done a lot of is attacking religious people, or their religions. I post anti-Christian things on my Facebook page to get a rise out of the religious people. I think, maybe I can make them see sense. Maybe I can make them realize that what they believe in makes no sense.

In doing so, I have attacked people that are just seeing the good in things, be it their religion of choice, or the world around them. These attacks were completely unwarranted, unreasonable, and, if I'm honest, idiotic on my part.

I never think that maybe they're just different, and see things differently than I do. Maybe what they believe in just doesn't make sense to me. I'm the depressed one. I'm the one that obsesses over other peoples' perceived stupidity. Why in the world am I trying to change the way they see things? Because misery loves company, I guess?

I do that with other things, too. When people tell me how bad it is, I tell them how much worse it REALLY is. When people get excited about something, I quickly inform them of the reality of the situation. I make sure they realize it's not as good as they think. If they mention that they have a goal, I show them how it's not attainable. If someone tells me their dreams, I tell them just how hard it's going to be to reach them.

When someone tells me that they made a mistake, I ask them how they didn't see that coming. Yet I'm the guy who managed to get a $30k car, a $20k car, and a $125k house on $60k a year working at Domino's, then lost everything and now has horrible credit. I didn't see that coming?

When my wife gets overly excited about something, I get irritated. Why? I don't know, but if I analyze it, I just assume that there must be something depressing that she's not fully comprehending.

I mean, really? That's not the right way to think at ALL.

I need to change. I need to fix this. I don't want to be this person. I don't want communication with me to fill people with dread. I don't want my thoughts of other people to be completely and totally dominated with how dumb I think they are. It's not healthy for either me, or anyone else.

I'm trying to call myself out here. I figure, if I post it in a blog post for the world to see, maybe I won't feel so comfortable doing these things. I'll remember that I told people that I would change. I'll remember what it was that I wanted to change.

There are a few people that I feel the need to apologize to.

Doug - You've caught the brunt of some pretty stupid rants, and you've never called me out on it (well, rarely). Maybe you should've, maybe I would've seen what I was doing a bit faster. But you didn't because you're an incredible friend. You have never deserved the negativity that I project upon you, but you've never lashed back. I couldn't have a better friend.

Any Christian folk that read my Facebook updates - Why haven't you blocked me yet? I would've blocked me. I shouldn't have asked you to call me friend, then posted what you could only see as attacks. If I had changed you, I might well have been destroying some of the better people in the world.

Jacob - It took someone like you, who had somehow made it past that brick-wall-of-thinking-everyone-is-stupid, going off on me like you did, to make me start really analyzing myself. You got the ball rolling. Hopefully I can get it fixed now. I just hope you can still consider me a friend.

1 comment:

  1. Finally. Now you can reach over this hurtle and be you. You used to smile and point out silly things and laugh. You need to do that again.